You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
