Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
