you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
