I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
