I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
