i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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