You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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