you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize