I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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