So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
