a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
