I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
