Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
