Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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