I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
