i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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