maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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