Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize