just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Someone signed my nipple.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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