I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
