i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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