Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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