Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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