this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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