somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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