Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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