I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm jealous of your bromance
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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