Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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