life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
