He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
