i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
