I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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