Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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