it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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