I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
