after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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