I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
