They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
