why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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