I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
