For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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