the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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