areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think a kid would responsible me up
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
