I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
