Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Randomize
