The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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