oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
