my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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