Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
