Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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