That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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