I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
