Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
