At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
