I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
