this beer tastes like vomit already
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
