peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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