Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Is Oprah even human
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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