I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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