It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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