Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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