I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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