Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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