I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sorry about my life...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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