I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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