I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
