Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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