my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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